Struggling to move on..

[bringstheheat]

Grief counseling was a ridiculous idea. Even back in juvie Mick had just stared down the overworked counselors, the ones that tried to reach him before writing him off as a pyromaniac and a brute.

But Mick is seeing his dead partner everywhere and if he doesn't figure something out soon he's going to break. All he's been doing is marking time since the Oculus, since he woke up to find out that his partner (his lover, his whole everfucking world) was dead. He'd left him behind and Mick didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

Sara is worried that he's suicidal, a thought he openly scoffs at.

He'd made a promise to Snart a long time ago that he wouldn't take that way out and dead partner or no, it's a promise he means to keep.

So he hangs back, he doesn't say much or look around until the kid walks in. Ramon. Part of the team that Flash had assembled to stop the Dominators. Huh. Small world, right?

Comments

[thisismadfreaky]

Cisco has been coming to this group ever since-- well, since it happened. Caitlin was the one that had managed to talk him into it, it was something she'd done herself, after Ronnie. He hadn't put much stock in it at first. Coming to talk and cry it out with a bunch of strangers really didn't sound like it would help. But sometimes he can be wrong and this time, he doesn't hate that he was.

The last thing in the world he would have expected to see when he walked through the door was Mick Rory. Cisco stops right in his tracks and just sort of...stares...for a long moment. What was he doing here? But the moment is over as quickly as it started and his eyes drop as he moves to sit in one of the chairs scattered around the room. If he ignores him, he'll just leave him alone, right?

[bringstheheat]

Good. The kid doesn't say anything, in fact he seems to be actively pretending that he's not in the same room with him and that's probably for the best. They're not here to talk to one another, they're here to talk about loss.

Mick resolutely doesn't look at Ramon when the leader of the group calls him out, asks him why he's there. So he talks, in short, halting sentences about his partner. "We'd known each other thirty years. Met in juvie when he was too mouthy to keep his head down and stay outta trouble. I shoulda known my life wouldn't have been the same after that."

Thirty years of jobs, of fighting and arguing, splitting apart and coming back together. "And now he's gone. Every day I look over half expecting him to be there, next to me. Every day I wake up looking for a reason to get out of bed now that he's gone and I'm running out."

"I loved him." An admission he can make because he's sure as hell never doing this again. "I loved him and now I got no one."

Oh he's going out and getting drunk after this.

[thisismadfreaky]

Cisco's glad Rory seems to be taking this the same direction he is and not bothering letting anyone else here know they know each other. They're here for specific reasons, that's it.

One sentence is all it takes for him to piece together exactly who Mick is here for and it makes a frown crease his forehead as he lifts his head to listen a little closer. He wonders what, exactly, happened, but questions aren't allowed and with their lives, he probably can't just freely talk about the specifics anyway. Not that anyone ever wants to talk specifics.

Cisco's genuinely shocked by that admission and he'd be lying if he said it didn't tug at something in his chest. He twists his fingers together, staring hard at the tile floor, trying to think of something, anything to say. He keeps it neutral, non-specific, he's talking to everyone not just Mick.

"People keep telling me 'give it time', 'it gets easier'..." He shakes his head. "I don't think it does. I think, eventually, you just-- go numb and maybe it hurts a little less, but it doesn't ever go away." His voice is quiet, but easily heard in the small space of the room, and he casts a glance over at Mick before finding his gaze on his shoes again.

[bringstheheat]

Honestly Mick isn't sure why he started talking in the first place. It's not like any of this will bring him back, or make the hallucinations go away. Len is dead. Period.

But then Ramon starts speaking and his gaze drifts over to him, the way he's anxiously twisting his fingers and Mick wonders just what in the hell they might have missed while traveling through time. Not that it matters to him. Of course not. But Snart always seemed to have a thing for the speedster and his little band.

Idly he scratches at a scar on his wrist, the beginning of the scars that wind their way up his arms and across his shoulders. "It don't get easier with time. It just sorta scars over. But it still hurts."

[thisismadfreaky]

Something about having someone he knows, in any capacity at all, right there, not two feet away from him makes all of this a thousand times harder. This place had become a bit of a solace, somewhere he could freely feel how he felt without worrying about wearing a mask for the people he cares about. Now...he doesn't necessarily care about Heatwave, but he does know him and it makes it harder.

"Doesn't sound like a great goal to strive for." he mutters, biting the knuckle on his thumb as he glances around the room, silently begging someone, anyone else to talk.

[bringstheheat]

The funny thing is, Mick knows that look too well. The one that says "please go away" and "I don't know what to do with you so go". It's a look he's seen most of his life.

Fine. Whatever. Not like any of this is going to make the hallucinations stop and he's pretty sure the kid isn't doing it out of malice. No, he's holding all of that back for Flash.

So Mick pushes himself to his feet. "It's not. But some of us got nothing left."

[thisismadfreaky]

Cisco's heartbeat picks up as Mick gets to his feet. He's not sure why. He doesn't seem like he's doing anything, just... leaving. Which he shouldn't have an issue with, but he kind of thinks maybe he should stay.

"Little early to leave yet, innit?" Why does he even care? Probably because he knows how important--however weird and twisted everything about the two of them seemed to be on the surface--Leonard is...was to Mick. And while the situation is entirely different, in addition to the real, physical loss of his brother, he's kind of also in the process of losing a friendship and...maybe there's some parallels that almost make him want to talk Mick into staying.

Not that he'll press if he just keeps going. He doesn't have a feasible reason to and it isn't his place.

[bringstheheat]

Yeah, Mick had been on the way out. He'd said his peace and he didn't feel one bit better for it. Len was still gone, his chest still felt empty and hollow. Still alone.

But Ramon is calling him out, asking him if it's too early to go and Mick rolls a shoulder as he heads for the crappy coffee. "Don't matter does it? He's still dead. I'm still alone."

[thisismadfreaky]

He can feel the rest of the room's eyes on him and it makes him squirm under the pressure. They were holding up the usual flow of the group and he knows it. Cisco gives the handful of other people sitting around the circle of chairs an apologetic look before slipping out of his seat to head over to the table with the coffee. The woman running the group starts speaking again, continuing while the pair has their own conversation.

"I mean, that's what this place is for, though. So you don't have to feel so alone." Not that it necessarily helps. He's felt pretty alone sitting in this room full of people plenty of times by now, and even on the occasions that it works...it only lasts until he steps out that door.

[bringstheheat]

For the life of him, Mick has no idea why the kid is following him, trying to keep him here. "Yeah, well it ain't like I can make regular visits anyway." There's a ship to get back to, time aberrations to correct. Finish the job.

Hope that one day it'll take him too.

Mick pitches his voice a little lower because if anyone can understand weird, there's a chance Ramon will. "I'm seeing him. Hearing him."

[thisismadfreaky]

Cisco isn't really sure what he's doing or why he's doing it either, but he's opting to just roll with it instead of questioning it because that probably won't lead anywhere great. "I guess that's true." He frowns a little. He wonders if the rest of Mick's team knows...how much this is affecting him.

Cisco looks sharply up at him when he says that. "What?" There are...so many possibilities running through his mind. And they aren't all 'Mick's jumped off the deep and losing grip on reality', even if that is one of them.

He glances over his shoulder at the group of people, then back at Mick. At the risk of getting hit for it, he has things he'd rather discuss out of earshot of the rest of the group. He ganks the terrible coffee out of Mick's hand and sets it on the table, tugging on his arm and nodding his head towards the door in a silent 'follow me'. "Let's get proper coffee, at least."

[bringstheheat]

His experiences on the Waverider have somewhat.. tempered his reaction to things so Cisco doesn't lose a hand for taking away the coffee or tugging him towards the door. Or perhaps he's just surprised that the kid is willing to listen to him rather than brush it off as a delusion of a very broken criminal.

So he follows Cisco outside, allows him to lead them towards a diner at the corner that promises better coffee and if he's lucky, decent food. "You're not looking at me like I'm crazy." Both statement and question - Cisco isn't looking at him like he's crazy and Mick can't quite make out why.

[thisismadfreaky]

Cisco is pleasantly surprised to actually not get smacked or anything worse for just sort of...moving him where he wants him. Once upon a time, he definitely would have been. He'll call this character growth.

"Maybe you are," he admits with a slight shrug, because there's no denying the possibility. "But I also have the bonus of knowing the exceptionally weird ways of the world and maybe it's something else." He doesn't say what his first, kneejerk assumption of 'something else' is yet. He doesn't want to shove that kind of false hope at Mick, because he can only imagine how much it not being true could wreck him more than the loss already did.

They head inside the diner and sit down in the most isolated seat in the back and Cisco folds his hands on top of the table. "Does it happen a lot?"

[bringstheheat]

Once upon a time Mick would have broken something in response to unwanted physical contact. Maybe he's going soft. It doesn't really matter though, Ramon is listening to him and not brushing him off like he's some big dumb brute.

Hell, outside of Snart and only occasionally Haircut, Ramon is the only one who hasn't and who has made the effort to treat him like a human being and it shouldn't matter to Mick the way that it does. But there it is.

The diner only gets a cursory glance over before he sits down, shoving the menu aside. "Once or twice a day. Usually when I'm alone. He talks about what's going on, in that moment. He talks about," a hard swallow, "about dying and how he doesn't want that for me."

[thisismadfreaky]

Under the table, Cisco's foot bounces with the nervous energy he doesn't know what to do with or about. This is... not a conversation he would have expected to be having in a million years, with Mick Rory of all people to boot.

"Every day?" He asks curiously. "Is there-- is there a pattern of when he shows up or is it random?" Cisco tries to keep his voice neutral, he's asking for facts about something heavily emotional, but facts get answers and maybe if he gets enough he can...figure something out. The last bit of Mick's answer pulls at something in his chest and what he's asking next doesn't make that sensation ease up any. "Do you? Want that."

[bringstheheat]

Okay that bouncing foot is going to get on his nerves, but Mick shoves that aside for now. Ramon is asking him legitimate questions, like what's happening to him matters. Like he matters.

"Happens when I'm alone," he fiddles idly with the edge of the menu. "Pop out of a doorway, show up leaning against the wall or sitting at a table but never when anyone else is there."

It's the question that gives him genuine pause and Mick knows the answer. His eyes fall to the table, unable to look Ramon in the eye even as he admits the truth. Yes. "I ain't gonna fight it when it comes." His jaw twitches. "Made Len a promise a long time ago that I wouldn't just check out."

"But I'm running out of reasons to stick to it."

[thisismadfreaky]

Cisco watches the way he fidgets and, dammit if that isn't painfully familiar behavior however small and insignificant it might be. That answer doesn't make him feel like he can turn any further away from the idea that maybe it's just in Mick's head, unfortunately, but Cisco's nothing if not an odd well of hope for all his skepticism and cynicism, so he won't let go of it yet. "The things he says... is it stuff he'd really say? Or-- maybe more like things you'd wanna hear him say?"

That answer is enough to make Cisco freeze completely, bouncing foot included. It's something that hits, hard. It's easy to cast a guy like Mick off as some emotionless brute, and maybe once Cisco might have, but this...kind of makes him think that notion couldn't possibly be more wrong. He's quiet for a long time, staring down at his own fingers twisting together because he doesn't even know what to say. All of the platitudes in the world wouldn't make that feeling go away.

A frown twitches across his forehead and he looks up again, "Is it-- do you...blame yourself for it? Are you losing the will to fight it because...you think you deserve it?" Cisco still doesn't even actually know what happened, the circumstances around Snart's death weren't details he felt okay asking about.

[bringstheheat]

Mick isn't sure why Ramon is even pursuing this. What else could it possibly be but something finally shorting out in his head? One too many trips to the Induction Chamber or one too many knocks to the head finally shaking something loose? But he's trying. He's listening and that puts him in some pretty rare damn company. "No. It's what he'd say, I think. Giving me shit, pushing me to do something." That was how Snart operated - pushing all the right buttons until he got the reaction he wanted.

Good. Mick answers the question honestly and while Cisco goes quiet and still he doesn't immediately object or spew out those vague platitudes that you'd hear at one of those grief counseling groups.

He swallows, forcing his eyes back up. "Because it should have been me. We were taking on the Time Masters themselves, in a place outside of time. Only way to destroy their control on the timeline was to hold down a kill switch until it blew."

"I wanted payback for what they did to me. For what they did to me an Len. I was ready and that bastard came back for me. Snart knocked me out and took my place." Mick sucks in a breath. "It was like I said. I lost everything that day and now all I got to show for it is a ring."

[thisismadfreaky]

Don't worry, Mick, Cisco isn't entirely certain about it all himself, but it is what it is by now. He's here, he's not gonna turn away from it now. Well, it certainly sounds like the way Leonard always operated-- he was a button pusher through and through.

Before he addresses that, though, and the line of thought he has to go along with it, he listens to the explanation about what happened. And even if parts of it only make a little bit of sense--because like hell he knew what the hell Mick and his team were doing other than it sounded a lot like they were Time Lords if he was following correctly--he can get the general gist well enough.

For starters: Yup. It's a massively guilt-driven feeling and he doesn't know how to help him with that, given the circumstances. "Okay, wait--" He hods up a hand, "this place you were in, it was like...completely void of time? Outside of any timeline that could ever possibly exist, right? But-- how did you get there? How did you leave? What happened when-- when...it happened? I mean, what were you destroying, exactly?" Yeah, he might be getting a little nerd rambly, but you might be able to appreciate it more once he works out the kinks in this thought process, Mick, so just go with it.

[bringstheheat]

He's a nerd, so of course there are going to be questions. Questions that Mick answers easily, drawing on lifetimes lived at the Vanishing Point. Temporal mechanics, physics, explaining the nature of the Oculus Wellspring with exacting detail. He's not sure where Ramon is going with it, so in-between ordering a mountain of food, Mick talks.

"They jumped away in the time ship, just before the explosion, before the overload caused a cascade failure and destroyed the Oculus entirely. The explosion that took him."

Mick holds up a hand. "Ask how I know all that another time. Not now." And it's a profound show of growing trust that Mick even considers telling Ramon about his life as Chronos.

One trauma at a time.

[thisismadfreaky]

Cisco isn't sure when Mick would have had the time or interest to learn so much about temporal mechanics and the rest, but he's rather clearly impressed with the details he's getting. Before he can even bother asking about it, though, Mick deters him from it. "Fair enough," he shrugs. The how's are less important right now anyway.

"So, this-- Oculus thing...it was basically the embodiment of every potential timeline, right? Predicted an infinite amount of possible outcomes. What if... what if destroying it did something unpredictable? I mean, you destroyed the device, right, but, it stored all this temporal energy, and how can you actually destroy time itself? I mean, if you did, how are we even here to have this conversation? I mean, if you actually destroyed it completely...shouldn't nothing exist?"

But he's getting awfully theoretical, here, and that's getting him off track. He shakes his head, "My point is, what if it's not just in your head? You don't know that it isn't, because no one else has been around to confirm or deny it, right? So...what if destroying it got Snart stuck in some kind of multiverse-timeline limbo?" 'What if he isn't dead?' not that Cisco dares to phrase it like that out loud.

[bringstheheat]

Ramon doesn't press the issue of the Oculus or how Mick understands time and for that he's grateful.

"It didn't destroy time, you can't do that. It destroyed the mechanism that.." he trails off, finally catching up with what Cisco is driving at and for a moment Mick's world goes entirely, utterly still and for a moment it's impossible to even breathe.

He can't cling to hope. Not yet, anyway. Hope is fragile and easily shattered.

"You think he's still out there?" A beat later his eyes flick to the unoccupied booth just behind Cisco where Snart is currently lounging without a care in the damn world.

[thisismadfreaky]

The second Mick caught onto what he was saying, Cisco's breath caught in his throat. Because there was that look, that cautious one that was standing somewhere near the edge of hope, but refusing to cross the line and dive headfirst into. He's pretty sure he had worn that look when he asked Barry to go back so he could save his brother that first time.

"I don't know," he shrugs and shakes his head, "I won't make promises I can't keep, but-- I wouldn't say it was impossible. I mean...given everything we..." He glances over his shoulder to see where Mick is staring, distracted. As he turns back toward the older man again, there's a flicker of blue at the corner of his vision, but a subtle glance back shows nothing. "everything we know about how weird timelines and time in general can be." he finally finishes his earlier interrupted thought.

[bringstheheat]

Snart isn't saying anything this time. No snarky remarks about Ramon or Team Flash. He's just.. watching. Waiting for something.

Mick tears his attention back to Cisco as he talks, careful not to give him too much hope and he appreciates that care. "So how do we find out for sure? I've got a ship but it ain't like we can just go cruising through the time stream and hope we hit on something."

He's been a lot of things in his life. The middle and often ignored child, arsonist, killer, criminal and later a temporal bounty hunter and quasi-legend. But Mick has never been a planner. Snart had always been the one with the plan. Even with the knowledge that something might be out there - he isn't certain where to start.

And then there's Cisco. Reaching out when he didn't have to, offering to help even though his presence at a grief counseling group is a pretty clear indication he's struggling with something on his own.

"You know, I ain't good at this," he says slowly, eyes on his coffee. "Sharing has never been something I'm good at. But if I can help, or just kick the hell outta someone.."

Not that he expects Cisco to take him up on it, to either cry on his shoulder (dear Christ he hopes he won't) or point him at someone to beat up, even though it'd feel good.

He does have access to a time ship though..

[thisismadfreaky]

"I don't know," he admits, fumbling for all the honesty in that statement. He has no clue where to even start in figuring all this out, but if he is out there, stuck somewhere in some weird inbetween space, they'd have to be able to find him...right? "But I can try to figure something out." He pauses staring at this hands on the tabletop, fidgeting a little, frown creasing across his forehead as he looks up at Mick again. "Can I even contact you, when you're out there? If I found something, I mean...can I even let you know?"

He smiles, small and edging a little more toward a smirk than a genuine smile. "I'll keep that in mind." He knows it's awkward for Mick to even offer something like that, and he appreciates it for all it's worth, whether he ever follows him up on it or not.

[bringstheheat]

"Sure. Can modify a signal to reach into the temporal zone." Something Chronos had learned with the Time Masters - modifying communications devices in the event of his own equipment failing. "Give you a line right into Gideon."

As much as Mick wants to hold on to hope, to think that maybe Ramon can figure out what he hadn't been able to, he won't. He can't. And Ramon was at least honest enough to say he'll keep it in mind rather than dismissing the thought that Mick could honestly help him.

If Cisco calls, Mick will come. Whether it's word about Snart or he needs something. The rest of the team can wait.

[thisismadfreaky]

"Perfect," He doesn't even bother asking how Mick knows how to do something like that. Snart may have been, by all accounts, the "brains" of the operation between the two of them, but Mick is hardly an idiot. "Then I'll look into it, see if I can figure anything out, and...if I do, I'll give you call." He'd be the first to know.

"Do you have anything of his...that you could leave here with me?" The question feels sharp and touchy to even ask, but if he could vibe something from one of Leonard's belongings, it may go a long way into getting answers.

He refuses to give him false hope, because it could all lead to nothing in the end. So, he's honest in his intentions-- that he'll try-- but he doesn't insult him by promising anything he can't be relatively sure he can achieve.

But for Mick's sake? He kind of hopes he can.

[bringstheheat]

"Can have something made up and modified by tomorrow," he confirms with a nod. It won't take him long once he gets back to the Waverider and his equipment. "Bring it by STAR Labs before we take off."

The second question has Mick's eyes snapping up from the table to regard Cisco curiously for a moment. He's not the type to ask for things without reason. "Cold gun's gone. But yeah. I got some things."

After a moment he draws in a breath, pulling a silver chain from around his neck. Hanging from the chain was a small, silver ring. "You can use this. Just.. make sure I get it back."

From his silent post at the other table, Leonard sits up suddenly, watching Mick hand over the ring.

"He left that with me. Right before the end."

[thisismadfreaky]

"Sounds good." He nods a little. At least it'll give him a direct line to Mick if anything comes up.

That snap up in his direction has Cisco's shoulders stiffening a little. That gaze is a little more reminiscent of what he's come to know and expect from Mick in the past, but it eases the slightest bit. He watches curiously as Mick tugs a chain with a silver ring hanging on the end of it from around his neck.

Okay, he doesn't know a ton about Mick and Leonard's history, but there's little that says that's not one of the literal most important pieces of what Mick's got left.

He takes the necklace carefully and studies it curiously for a moment before looking back at Mick. "You will. That I can promise." He won't let anything happen to it.

[bringstheheat]

Mick doesn't mind when Cisco goes stiff. He's been a criminal for most of his life and the kid would be crazy to completely let down his guard this soon, no matter what progress they'd made.

The ring, apart from a pair of jackets back on the ship, is all that he has left of his partner. As a rule Len traveled and lived lightly - anything that couldn't be stowed in a go bag was discarded or left behind. Things of sentimental value were never kept. Except for that ring.

"I trust you with it." With both the ring, and his promise. Ramon wasn't just telling him what he wanted to hear - if he said he'd look into it, he would.

[thisismadfreaky]

Cisco is more than little shocked to hear that. Because what reason does he have to extend that trust to him, really? And because something that big was definitely not handed out so easily by a guy like Mick.

"I won't make you regret that." That much he could be certain of. One way or another, he'd figure something out, find some way to give Mick an answer and gain some closure.

[bringstheheat]

The reason was simple. Ramon had every reason to hate him, to mistrust him for what he'd been a part of when he and Snart had kidnapped him and his brother. But he didn't. He listened to him. Looked at him like he was a human. He didn't snort at his pain or wonder if that was something he'd even be capable of.

Besides. If he was at a grief counseling group, Cisco knew something about loss.

"I know you won't."